Connecting With My Heart

I’ve spent a lot of my life unsure of how to share my honest feelings, worried that I would hurt or disappoint someone. Sometimes that meant avoiding having a hard conversation, just shoving that feeling down and pretending it wasn’t really there. 

And sometimes that meant avoiding the person altogether. Ironically, both tactics resulted in hurt and disappointment – and probably a whole lot worse than the momentary discomfort of being honest in the first place.

This pattern hurt me, too, disconnecting me from myself over and over until I found it hard to be wholly myself – even with people I genuinely loved. 

Seven months ago, my husband and I started off on an epic journey of exploration – both with the intention to see the country in our RV, and to take an inward journey to reconnect with our innate wholeness. 

So far, it’s been an amazing adventure – full of the joys of discovery and playful experimentation, as well as mental space to prayerfully consider our identities and how we want to move forward in the next chapter of our life.  

We set out to camp in wild, off-the-grid places, experience iconic locations we’d dreamt about visiting, and then cross the border into Mexico to immerse ourselves in the culture and places you cannot ever know from a week at a resort. 

Most of the time, it’s just the two of us. I had a spunky three year old daughter when we got married, and we soon added two more kids to our family – so this time together as a couple is novel, and frankly, luxurious after 25 years of raising kids and nurturing careers. 

About a month ago, we made plans to meet up with an elderly gentleman who we knew was traveling solo in Baja. We have the same RVs, and he’d generously shared information and tips about crossing the border and where to stay, so we were excited to meet him in person after writing back and forth in a Facebook group for almost a year.

We expected it to be a short detour from our planned route and routines. We planned to spend a few days together and then head off on our adventure. Before we knew it, he and 3 other fellow campers were joining us at our next camping spot, and the next, and the next.

One of the first things I noticed about this time was that, though it was really fun sharing meals, fishing, hiking and socializing together, I was not spending solo contemplative time in the mornings, or practicing my Tai Chi, or walking each day, as I’d intended.

I missed connecting with myself, and connecting with my husband. I enjoyed our new friends, but in my heart I felt like I was betraying myself and the purpose of our trip. I needed to tell them that it was time to go our separate ways, and I dreaded the conversation.

Would they think I’m rude or selfish? Would their feelings be hurt? Would they think there was something wrong with them, or that I didn’t like them?

In our recent Honest Heart Conversation, Laurie Benson walked us through a profound somatic exercise that demonstrated a simple way to reconnect with our heart. She mentioned that when she centers on this honest connection with herself, her conversations with others take on a sense of truth – of completeness and wholeness.

Knowing I needed to share honestly with our traveling companions, I carried myself through the somatic awareness exercise that Laurie details in her book, Leading from the Feminine: A Guide to Accessing Your Deeper, Feminine Wisdom Needed to Heal our Global Disconnection. It went something like this:

• I got into a comfortable and relaxed position with my eyes closed

• Without trying to control my breathing, I began to notice my breath moving in and out 

• I placed my finger on the center of my chest and allowed my attention to arrive at this point of connection to my heart center

• I began to notice feelings of compassion, joy, and connection

• I silently asked myself an easy ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question, one that I didn’t need to think very hard about - “My heart, am I sitting in the sunshine?” (I knew that I was, in fact, sitting in the sunshine.)

• Then I noticed how my heart responded to this question – I was filled with a warm and peaceful feeling

• Again, I asked myself an easy ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question – “My heart, is it snowing?” (Clearly, it was not snowing on the beach in Mexico!)

• I noticed how my heart responded to this question – it was as if I hit a brick wall. The warmth and peace that had filled my heart suddenly dissipated

• I paused and asked another question that restored the connection with truth in my heart, and allowed myself to settle back into a feeling of glowing warmth  

I was noticing what it felt like when I was connected to my honest heart. Then, I set an intention – similar to Namaste – that the honest heart in me sees and acknowledges the honest heart in each of them, and I could trust that this was an act of love – as is all genuine truth. I felt calm, ready, and full of appreciation for our time together. 

Then, a beautiful thing happened. One of my new friends opened our conversation with how fulfilling the last few days apart from the group had been for her.  She’d been productive, had fun, and was spending her time exactly as she had hoped. She was reconnecting with her intentions and even starting to make progress on a challenge she’d been working through!

I was able to ease into just what I had hoped to convey without a single moment of awkwardness or worry. It was seamless and true. We all parted ways with hugs and smiles, and I felt a lightness and ease as we drove off on our continued journey.

"Integrity is choosing courage over comfort; it’s choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy; and it’s practicing your values, not just professing them."  
– Brené Brown