Embracing Self-Awareness – The First Step Towards Transformation

A Journey Begins with Awareness

Change is rarely easy. Whether we’re seeking a shift in our personal lives, careers, or health, the process can feel overwhelming. But, as with any journey, the first step is often the most crucial: self-awareness. Understanding where we are now, and how that compares to where we want to be, lays the foundation for lasting transformation.

At the heart of self-awareness lies an internal conflict—between the self we are, the self we wish to be, and the self we think we ought to be. This is the struggle of aligning the “actual self,” “ideal self,” and “ought self,” i.e., our self-discrepancies. And the tension between them can either propel us forward or hold us back. The good news? Becoming aware of these discrepancies is a powerful tool for growth.

But here’s the catch: our understanding of ourselves can be clouded by societal pressures, external expectations, and the relentless “shoulds” that dominate our inner dialogue. In this blog, we’ll explore the concept of self-awareness through the lens of self-discrepancy theory, the role of our personal values, the power of embodied cognition, and why tuning into the signals from our body—our head, heart, and gut—can help us gain clarity on who we really are and who we aspire to become.

Bridging the Gap: Who We Are vs. Who We Want to Be

Think about the different versions of yourself that exist—the person you are now, the one you dream of becoming, or the one you feel you should be. These versions of you might not always align, and that’s where the challenge arises. Self-discrepancy theory gives us a roadmap to understanding the gaps that exist between different aspects of ourselves. According to this theory, there are three main self-concepts we wrestle with:

• Actual self: Who we are right now—our current beliefs, habits, and behaviors.

• Ideal self: Who we aspire to be—the version of ourselves that aligns with our dreams, values, and goals.

• Ought self: Who we think we should be—the self dictated by societal norms, cultural expectations, and external pressures.

It’s no surprise that these selves can create conflict with one another (i.e., discrepancies). For instance, consider the role a woman might play in her family. Her actual self might be someone who balances caregiving, working, and personal health, yet struggles with finding time for herself. Her ideal self may be a woman who prioritizes her physical health—exercising regularly, eating mindfully—and feels empowered by the balance. Meanwhile, her ought self—influenced by societal messages—might suggest that she should be able to "do it all" effortlessly and still maintain the appearance of health, youth, and energy. This mismatch can leave her feeling inadequate, despite her efforts to achieve balance.

Research shows that a gap or mismatch between the selves can create emotional discomfort. Dejection-related emotions like disappointment, frustration, and even depression are linked to a discrepancy between your actual and ideal self. In contrast, feelings of worthlessness, failure, or guilt (agitation-related emotions) are associated with a discrepancy between the actual and ought self.

How can you tell if you’re experiencing these multiple selves and self-discrepancies? Take a moment and tap into your emotions, what are you feeling right now? Next, listen to your inner dialogue. Do you often use words like “ought” or “should”? Are you telling yourself, “I should be thinner,” “I ought to be more successful,” or “One day I’ll finally take care of myself”? These might be signs that you’re stuck in a discrepancy loop. It’s also helpful to look at the source of these thoughts—are they externally influenced (from a partner, family member, or society) or internally driven by your authentic desires?

Before we move on, it’s important to note that not everyone experiences self-discrepancies, or they might only experience an ideal or ought self, and not both. If you’re consistently experiencing feelings of inadequacy, dejection-related, or agitation-related emotions, that may be a cue that you’re experiencing a self-discrepancy. When we’re not living up to who we want to be, or who we think we should be (our ideal or ought selves), it can be easy to get caught in a cycle of self-criticism.

Shifting the Inner Dialogue: Challenging the "Shoulds"

Enter Brené Brown. Brown’s research on shame and vulnerability provides a critical lens through which to view the ought self. Brown suggests that societal pressures and external expectations often lead us to feel shame when we fail to meet these unattainable standards. The endless barrage of “shoulds”—you should look a certain way, you should play a certain role, you should be successful, everything should be effortless, you should have it all figured out—creates a relentless inner dialogue that can stifle our progress.

But here’s the truth: not every “should” serves us.

If we dig deep, we often find that some of the expectations we’ve internalized don’t align with our true values. The challenge, then, is to distinguish between those external “oughts” and our own authentic values and desires.

So let’s talk values—often, our discrepancies arise because we’re out of alignment with our values. Let’s imagine your values are freedom and creativity, but you’ve been telling yourself that you should follow a traditional career path because that’s what’s expected and celebrated. This creates a misalignment between your values and your actions. The result? You might feel unmotivated, stifled, or stagnant in your career, and the risk is this will often seep over into the rest of your life. Once you recognize this, you can start to challenge those "shoulds" and make decisions that are better aligned with who you are.

What’s interesting is that most of us haven’t taken the time to identify our values, because we don’t realize the significant role they play in ensuring we are living in alignment. If you were to ask ten people on the street to list their top three values, many would struggle. Yet, values should be at the core of everything we do.

How can you identify your values? Here are two approaches you can take right now:

1. Take the VIA Character Strengths Survey: This assessment, grounded in positive psychology research by Dr. Martin Seligman, can help you identify your core virtues and values. It’s a quick, insightful way to start understanding what virtues and values drive you. You can take it for free here.

2. Engage in Expressive Writing or Journaling: This technique, called Best Possible Self, involves envisioning your life in the future if everything worked out ideally and spending 20 minutes free-writing whatever comes to mind. Journaling these reflections can clarify what values are at play in your ideal future and guide you toward meaningful actions today.

Once you’ve identified your values, it becomes easier to challenge those "shoulds." Does this “should” align with my values? If not, it’s time to reconsider why you’re holding on to it.

The body is also, arguably, the best resource for helping to determine whether the “shoulds” are aligned with your values. How do we do this? By learning to listen to the body’s signals. Amanda Blake’s work in The Body is the Brain emphasizes the importance of tuning into our physical sensations as a way to connect with our authentic selves. Her work (and the work of several other embodied cognition researchers) suggests that our body often knows the truth of what we need before our conscious mind does. Listening to embodied signals—like the gut, heart, and physical tension—can help us identify when we’re aligning with our ideal selves or simply following the path dictated by external expectations.

When faced with a “should” or “ought” thought, we can use our head, heart, and gut as guides. Does the thought make us feel tight or tense? Is there a sinking feeling in the gut? Or does it evoke a sense of peace and alignment? Our bodies are incredibly intelligent, and learning to interpret these signals can help us make decisions that serve us, rather than those imposed by external forces.

Self-Compassion: Moving Away from Criticism

In the process of self-awareness, it’s easy to fall into a trap of self-criticism. We see the gap between where we are and where we want to be and judge ourselves harshly for not yet being there. But self-compassion—kindly accepting where we are now—is the antidote to this destructive cycle and is essential for true growth.

Kristen Neff, a pioneering researcher and teacher of self-compassion, reminds us that treating ourselves with kindness and understanding is a crucial part of the growth journey. Practicing self-compassion allows us to acknowledge our imperfections while still striving for growth. Instead of criticizing ourselves for the distance between our actual and ideal selves, we can adopt a kind, understanding perspective and acknowledge that the process of growth takes time. As Neff puts it, “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” 

Imagine your child comes to you, struggling in school, feeling overwhelmed with their workload, or not meeting certain academic milestones. Would you criticize them for not being where they want to be? Doubtful. Instead, you’d likely offer comfort and reflection, reminding them that progress, not perfection, is what matters. You’d remind them that learning is a process, and growth takes time. Now, imagine what would happen if you could offer yourself the same compassion when you feel like you're not measuring up to your own expectations. It’s powerful stuff.

This approach aligns with the work of several researchers (see references, below) who have explored techniques for reducing and/or living within the gaps. If, for instance, you desire to close the gap between your actual and ideal self, you can do so while simultaneously learning to accept the existence of discrepancies. Rather than erasing them, we can focus on fostering feelings of self-worth and "enoughness" amidst our journey of growth.

Conversely, addressing discrepancies doesn’t always mean closing the gap. Sometimes, simply acknowledging the discrepancy and working on self-compassion is enough to alleviate the negative emotions tied to it. This allows us to move forward without feeling bogged down by guilt or frustration.

Adopting a self-compassionate mindset does not mean we are living in complacency. Instead, it allows us to create space to explore our discrepancies with curiosity rather than judgment. This shift in perspective enables us to approach change from a place of possibility, rather than inadequacy.

Practical Applications:

If this blog resonates with you and you're wondering how to get started, here are some practical starting points, each backed by years of rigorous, peer-reviewed research. Start by picking one and notice the shifts in your mind, body, and soul:

1. Identify Your Values:

   • Take the VIA Character Strengths Survey or engage in expressive writing to uncover the values that drive you. Knowing your values will help you align your actions with your ideal self and identify where you're currently out of alignment.

2. Challenge the "Shoulds":

   • Make a list of thoughts or beliefs you hold about who you should be. For each one, ask yourself: Is this belief aligned with my values, or is it externally imposed? Does it truly serve me? If not, start the process of letting go.

3. Use Embodied Cognition to Check in with Yourself:

   • When faced with a decision or an “ought” thought, check in with your body. What sensations arise? Does the thought make you feel heavy or create a sense of peace? Use these bodily signals to guide your actions, trusting the wisdom within.

4. Practice Self-Compassion:

   • When you catch yourself in self-criticism, reframe the inner dialogue. Focus on celebrating your progress rather than fixating on how far you still have to go. Remember, growth is a journey, not a destination. Self-compassion will make the journey more meaningful.

5. Engage in Best Possible Self Journaling:

   • Spend 20 minutes writing about your ideal future self—what would your life look like if everything worked out as planned? This powerful visualization exercise helps clarify your vision, motivates action, and solidifies your values. (See the additional reading section for a full description of this intervention.)

Closing Thoughts: Becoming Who You Are

The concepts in this blog—whether it’s understanding self-discrepancy, identifying values, or practicing self-compassion—are not just ideas to mull over. They are tools to help you begin transforming the relationship you have with yourself.

Self-awareness is the foundation for personal transformation. By understanding the potential gaps between who we are and who we want to be—and by learning to challenge the “shoulds” that don’t serve us—we can begin to live more authentically. Tuning into the wisdom of our bodies and practicing self-compassion will help us navigate the process of change with grace and resilience.

The journey toward our ideal self isn’t always easy, it’s an ongoing process that begins with this essential first step: self-awareness.

In the next blog, we’ll explore how visualization and the power of intentional change can help you bridge the gap between your actual and ideal self, building the foundation for lasting growth.

References:

• Bachkirova, T. (2004). Dealing with issues of the self-concept and self-improvement strategies in coaching and mentoring. International Journal of Evidence-Based Coaching and Mentoring.

• Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.

• Higgins, E. T. (1987). Self-discrepancy: A theory relating self and affect. Psychological Review, 94(3), 319-340.

• King, L. A. (2001). The health benefits of writing about life goals. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 27(7), 798-807.

• Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.

• Wechsler, T. F., & Schütz, A. (2022). Self-concepts and self-discrepancies and their significance in coaching.

Additional Resources:

• Read: Carol Dweck’s Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.

• Read: Amanda Blake’s Your Body is Your Brain.

• Listen: Unlocking Us podcast by Brené Brown.

• Watch: The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion: Kristin Neff at TEDxCentennialParkWomen

• Watch: Listening to Shame: Brené Brown at TED

Best Possible Self Intervention Protocol:

Write for 20 minutes each day for four consecutive days in response to the following prompt:

“Think about your life in the future. Imagine that everything has gone as well as it possibly could. You have worked hard and succeeded at accomplishing all of your life goals. Think of this as the realization of all your life dreams. Now write about what you imagined.”

Find a quiet space where you won’t be interrupted. Write freely, without judgment or expectations. Let whatever comes to mind flow onto the page. Remove all expectations and external pressures, and tap into what YOU honestly want. At the end of the four days, review your writing and identify key themes and values. 

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