True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for that experience." - Oprah Winfrey I'll be honest. Forgiveness has been a hurdle for me. Though I’m committed to the kind of growth that requires open, sometimes vulnerable, self-awareness, I don’t always protect and nurture my own heart in the process. For many, forgiving ourselves is harder than forgiving others. We have trouble moving beyond feeling that we’ve disappointed someone, or that we aren’t enough compared to others or our own expectations. Sometimes we may recirculate others’ judgments and play the victim, or martyr, over and over…until we learn to let go, focus, forgive, and move forward. Other times, we automatically blame ourselves when things go wrong, rather than objectively observing the situation. There’s no need to point fingers in either direction. We can process the lessons, and progress. Recently, I recognized that I’d been blaming myself for how I felt about another’s dishonest and unkind actions that had hurt me deeply. I was so caught up in a blur of emotions – both confused and numb – that I didn’t pause to see or celebrate my own integrity and earnest efforts in the situation. I needed to recognize and claim the success that I discarded while processing the hurt. To remember and honor my sincere motives, hard work, and genuine love for others. I also had to claim and protect, and not ignore or disempower, the progress and lessons of those who’d been helped by my work. As humbling as it is to say, I had to drop my own hurt pride in order to begin to forgive. It takes courage to look our own perceived failures square in the eye, to own our faults or short sightedness, and choose to carry the lessons forward. To not fall prey to wounded pride, but forgive ourselves and move on, grateful for the growth and ready to recognize potential pitfalls next time. Years ago, I convinced myself that it was better to be self-deprecating than bragging. But I discovered that it meant I was playing small, crippling my full capacity, limiting my individual God-given potential. I’m learning to look beneath emotional reactions or negative behavior – mine, or another’s – to what needs to be healed. To recognize the fear or hurt behind another’s actions or words. Or my own. THIS is what needs to be brought into the light – not the person, or the behavior, but the limited perception that needs to be replaced. Here, we identify old habits that we can drop and the new, freeing and empowering paradigms that we need to establish. It’s a spiritual baptism that makes us anew. Forgiveness is our own choice. It immediately activates all the opposites – moving thought from fear, blame, or shame to love, trust and freedom. It’s founded on Grace – that always active, unconditional Love that we’re given without strings. We can’t lose it, and it doesn’t ask to be returned. The final and most inspiring reason for me to let go and forgive myself, is those around me. While I had to move beyond my own feelings, I wanted even more to honor the efforts and generous motives of everyone who worked beside me during the times that hurt. I realized that forgiving myself for how I’d felt allowed me to love them as I’d always intended. Sometimes our own self pity doesn’t allow others to love and honor us as they intended, either. The negative energy we project separates us from others. When we’re hard on ourselves, we distance ourselves from others. They either tire of our complaints, or aren’t sure what to say to make us feel better. So they say nothing, and we feel alone. It was my own choice to internalize feelings of failure, rather than love myself enough to question them. And I certainly never intended to attach my feelings to others. If our inner self-perspective is weak, our foundation for other genuine relationships is compromised. Everyone misses out. Once we forgive ourselves, we can begin to let go of negative feelings for others. As that favorite prayer goes, “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.” They go hand in hand. Am I grateful for this experience? Yes! I'm deeply grateful for its lessons, which are still unfolding. Beyond the lesson of humility, it's reminded me to truly love myself as God does. Love knows my heart, and I am Her cherished daughter. I believe that, though we can't control what happens to us, we can choose our response to it. I've amended mine, making that move from blame and shame to trusting that, though we don't always immediately see the effects of our work, we can trust that the seeds we plant do grow. I know that my heart is sincere, and I need to honor it, no matter how others treat me. I've learned to be kinder and more compassionate with myself, just as I would with others. This is the kind of growth that I've signed up for!
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