In 2007, if you browsed my Facebook page, you’d see snapshots of idyllic family moments that might have convinced you that I was happy. And I was.
Yet beneath the surface, I secretly grappled with deep-seated existential angst that often pulled me into bouts of depression. When I tuned into this feeling, it whispered: "What is this (life) for?"
A friend suggested I read "A Thousand Names for Joy," This inspiring book, by Byron Katie, became my go-to source of solace in my darkest moments.
But it was not until January 2010, reading the book one afternoon, overwhelmed by depression, that I discovered Katie’s website, TheWork.com where a "9-Day School for The Work" was scheduled for March. An irresistible pull led me to sign up, and on March 18, I found myself driving to LA.
Listening to Katie speak on the first evening at The School filled me with hope. So I immersed myself in the activities centered around Katie's transformative method of inquiry, known as "The Work." As I sat in inquiry with her four questions and the turnarounds, layers of unquestioned assumptions, beliefs and misinterpretations began to peel away.
I felt a sense of urgency about questioning my thoughts as painful memories began to rise to my awareness. The School hours didn’t seem enough to question them all so I found myself rising at 5am, quietly making my way to the hotel lobby where seated on a couch in front of the reception desk, I wrote out more Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheets and questioned them myself using One-Belief-At-A-Time Worksheets. The more I tasted the freedom this practice brought me, the more committed I became.
On the third day, after a particularly heart opening facilitation session with another participant, I began to notice hidden motives behind my words and actions. As he facilitated me, I was disgusted to see that only a part of me focused on answering the questions; the other part subtly tried to manipulate him to get him to like me.
I saw how I used my body language, my gestures, my smile, and my tone of voice to get him to think that I was insightful and spiritual. With a hidden motive, every movement I made, and every word I said felt dishonest.
Compelled by a powerful urge to come clean, I detailed to him the ways in which I had tried to manipulate him. Though confessing my motives was excruciatingly hard, having done so, I experienced a profound sense of freedom that encouraged me to keep going.
So, for the rest of the School, whenever I caught myself speaking with the intention of seeking love, approval, or appreciation, I admitted it. This exercise that Katie invited us to practice, is described in her book “I Need Your Love, Is That True?”, on page 33.
Through this exercise, a lifetime of trying to get approval from others began to unravel and for the first time, I experienced glimpses of the joy that comes from speaking and acting for myself; without trying to impress or manipulate.
In the morning of the seventh day, as the first rays of light shone through my hotel room curtains, I awoke to an overwhelming surge of energy running through my body. This energy served to focus my mind into a deep, unwavering self-awareness that made me acutely attuned to every subtle movement of the body.
Lying in bed, my busy mind insisted that I get up and start my day, but my body remained still - I could not move it - until, when I least expected, it rose and I followed as it walked toward the bathroom.
Catching my reflection in the mirror, I experienced a profound sense of awe at the image staring back at me. “Is that me?” I heard the voice in my head.
I looked into her eyes and studied her features with curiosity and wonder. I saw myself as a ‘she’, not an ‘I’. Images of her childhood, adolescence, and early family life flashed through my mind. In the past, these images had served as proof of my identity, but now they appeared dream-like, and I saw that they were no proof at all.
She moves through her morning routine with an exalted sense of gratitude. The warmth of the water in the shower, the gentle caress of the towel, the strength in the legs that support her. The dexterity of her hands that style her hair bring her to tears. She is grateful for breath and the thoughts that keep her company.
She is packing her notebook into her backpack, when her roommate asks: "Are you going down to breakfast?" The voice of the ego offers her half a dozen reasons why she ‘should’ respond, but this inner ‘Will’ that moves her, is not speaking. So, not without kindness, she walks out of the room without saying a word.
As she moves through the hallways, encountering other participants who greet her with smiles and hellos, she remains silent. The profound joy and peace she experiences by simply following this Will is so fulfilling that she does not dare betray it. She is aware that her silence might be misconstrued, even judged, but that seems a very small price to pay.
The next couple of days are blissful as she naturally begins to integrate her new state of being. As suddenly as she had stopped eating and speaking, she now eats and responds to questions and greetings, and it’s effortless because she simply follows the inner voice. There are no decisions to make.
When she sits with other participants to do The Work, because she is filled by her own source of joy, she doesn’t want anything from them and can focus every ounce of attention on listening. Her delight in others is profound and she finds wisdom in everything they say.
And then the School is over and she is driving home. The two and a half hour trip feels quick as she can’t feel the passage of time.
Without a future or a past, she exists in an everlasting present.
To her surprise, her family doesn’t notice any difference in her, and she doesn’t talk about her experience. Life continues deliciously simple and, in form, not any different than it had been before she left.
She experiences a depth of love, kindness and intimacy with her husband and children that she didn’t feel before.
Over the following four months, she witnesses her connection to blissful presence slowly fade away. As she attaches to her thoughts again; the feeling of “I am” returns. I am Aileen, but there is a newfound compassion for me and humanity for what we are all up - equally - against - an ego who fights to be special, important, relevant.... loved.
The depression that had plagued me for a half a dozen years, to this day, has never returned. And as Katie would say, I am willing to experience it again, if it does.
In my practice of The Work I have found the answer to the question that had tormented me for years: “What is life for?” Life is an invitation to wake up; to notice every thought, belief or trigger that gets in the way of peace. Every interaction becomes an opportunity to see past the ego’s goal of seeking outside itself and tune within to Love’s inner sanctuary.
Though I mourned the loss of awareness, a part of me was relieved. I understood that I wasn’t ready to let go of my identity yet. There was still too much attachment and fear in me.
The experience turned out to be the beginning of my journey and not the end. And that’s okay - I have a lifetime to work through my attachments.
If you ever feel heavy, disconnected, lacking energy, or stressed out, I invite you to join me in this simple, yet powerful practice.
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