Missing Person Alert

DESCRIPTION: May be disguised as mother, caretaker, family coordinator, partner, and high-functioning solver of all challenges

LAST SEEN: Unclear. Rarely glimpsed behind the cover of her roles

She is so often recognized in her various capacities of serving and supporting others that it is unclear, to most, who our protagonist really is beneath the roles she plays. She has been inhabiting these roles for decades, to varying degrees of acclaim and accolades.  

Despite the wide-ranging nature of her work and the immense impact she has had on the lives of others, who she really is BEYOND her functions, is too rarely known or acknowledged – perhaps even by herself, if truth be told.

People around her are confident that they know her and understand who she is. She is loving, efficient, caring, creative, devoted, innovative, and she is the oil that keeps things running smoothly. Her focus is on what she does for others and how she supports their needs and dreams.

But, WHO IS MISSING in this scenario?

There is a whole person- right where the mom, or ‘highly competent helper’, is busily performing.

 Look at a crowd of helpers at a school playground, a family reunion, or within community service. What do you really know about those women? What are THEIR dreams and interests and the ideas that percolate in their minds and hearts when they are ‘off-duty’?

That’s the rub. For years, we have played our roles so consistently and devotedly -whether or not we are moms - that we are rarely, if ever, off-duty. 

We get completely out of the habit of looking at or even thinking about what excites us, because the energy has been so focused on the family, or our careers, or our ways of serving.

Midway through my primary parenting years, I realized that I had a duty that was equally important to that of raising my children. The wake-up call for me was the passing of my mother. She was an extremely devoted mom who was there for us in every way she could think of, while not doing things FOR us that we needed to learn to do for ourselves. I knew I could count on her 100% to be there to support my needs and dreams.

What I didn’t know, until close to her passing, was that she would have liked to have learned to fly a plane. And that she was interested in politics. What other things engaged her mind and heart, I wonder? I would have LOVED to see her acting on those interests and to know her better – more than ‘just’ seeing her as a loving and devoted mom. I would have loved to see her more in 3-D, as a fully-realized person. 

This sadly surprising information gave me the impetus to not be a stranger to my children and partner - to move past my own tendencies to focus entirely on their needs and dreams - and into the ‘foreign’ territory where I began to explore what I wanted and what sparked me.

• What would bring me more fully into the picture, beyond playing the role of caring mom? 

• What interested me? 

• What flirted with my attention? 

• What did I want to learn more about?

I wanted my kids to know that, while I absolutely love my roles as parent and wife, there is much more to who I am. I committed myself to not go ‘missing’ but to be more present in the fullness of my being – so they could see WHO I AM. 

Yes, I’m their mom. But there is more to me than that.

I am fascinated by who they are and their dreams. AND I have my own interests that I’m happy for them to see. I choose to show up and follow my vision of supporting others as a midlife midwife.

I am a loving partner AND I want my children to see that disappearing into a relationship or role isn’t the way their mom chose to live her life. I make time for the things that feed me and are most important to me – and invite them to support me in those!

My mom grew up in a different time and with different expectations for marriage and family life than I did, and there are ways that she did stand up for her values as her unique self. There are so many things that I do know and respect and love about her. And I am saddened to think of what we missed.

Is there a ‘missing person’ in your midst? I invite you to not miss out on knowing them. I invite you to be curious about what you might discover if you look a little deeper with genuine care and interest.

And if you are the one who is feeling lost in your roles, I invite you to be found. The world will be richer for it.