Open Curiosity

“Are you in?” was the question I asked my adult son, Shane, as we considered the invitation to contribute to an upcoming Honest Heart Journeys retreat.

I was set to join a small group of women in St. Louis to reflect, renew, and connect, while we focused on the topic of enhancing relationships. 

Over the coming months, Shane and I loosely scoped out how, as part of an evening’s activity, we might offer stories of the trajectory of our mother-son relationship over the years.

What was born of that experience is something I’ll treasure for years to come. 

But what slowly dawned on me during the first few hours of interacting with these new sisters at the retreat was that I needed to be there for reasons I hadn’t anticipated. 

I needed to step away from the routine and distractions to connect with other welcoming souls who are seeking growth and to practice holding space for each other as we share delights as well as struggles.

I needed the retreat for the way it helped me identify (through conversation and journaling) some inner searching and relationship work that I now feel nudged to engage in.  

I’d learned on an Honest Heart Journeys trip to Baja a year earlier how women who are different from me can become sources of inspiration and fun-loving companions when we are ready to show up fresh – letting go of tattered patterns and old views of ourselves and eager to uncover and discover a self that is genuine, free of judgment, and open to new experiences. 

Surrounded by women who entrusted each other with their challenging questions and deep inner wrestlings - AND who find reasons to be naturally joyful and hopeful as they lift and encourage each other - makes for a feeling of abundance.

At one point during a memorable activity at the retreat, I felt like I didn’t quite deserve the abundant good that another was honoring me with. And then came this gentle but startling recognition that habitual resistance to generous giving (trying to say I'm not enough or I don't deserve or I’ll not know how to fairly reciprocate) actually has no claim on me.

Recognizing my own innate worthiness, I can graciously receive another’s attention, assistance, and appreciation. And this in turn motivates me to honor the wholeness and worthiness of those around me in simple and creative ways. 

One of the highlights of the retreat for me was practicing the Circle of Trust touchstones developed by Parker Palmer and the Center for Courage and Renewal. 

Our HHJ group was fully receptive to learning how to deeply listen. Rather than offer advice, opinion, or direction, we allowed our wonder and curiosity to guide our questioning and discussion as a group. 

I learned that rather than showing up with a mental list of expectations, I could let our time together naturally unfold, even when logistics or my emotions took an unexpected turn.

After dinner on Saturday night, I suddenly felt like I was not fully “in”. My earlier enthusiasm for participating with my son was dwindling. Despite the warm welcoming vibe of the group, I was unsure how our offering would be received. And I knew Shane had given his all (in his personal chef role) for cooking and serving a delicious Mediterranean meal for us. Now I questioned both his energy and my own for embarking on the planned activity.

At that moment, I had a brief interaction with another retreat sister who was unaware of the evening’s agenda and what I was wrestling with. But somehow her heart knew. With no words of explanation from me about what I might need, her wise compassionate gaze, along with her simple words, calmed and steadied me. I was ready. 

What followed was a remarkable experience of intuitively sharing stories and insights with my son — much of it completely spontaneous — while held in the sweet embrace of our HHJ group’s Circle of Trust. 

Later, the group asked some open honest questions, which drew out an inner voice (sometimes shy) and an inner compass (always grounding and guiding) to help us explore some new terrain.

The details of our stories are for that particular retreat space alone. But I’d like to offer some of the questions that emerged, while Shane and I shared a rich exchange in the months prior to the retreat. More as prods than questions, they serve as constructive reminders for me to keep moving forward as I long for stronger connections, especially when I hit a rough patch in a relationship.

• How can I let go of a tendency to control or dictate a relationship - or wish it back to a previous state - and embrace one that’s bound to evolve and unfold in new, sometimes unexpected ways?

• When a course correction is needed, it’s likely that we both desire trust, a sense of self respect, and agency. How can I give myself and my loved one space to think for ourselves, consider options, and choose our own pathways?

• When relationships are in a place that feels uncomfortable or unfamiliar, can I stay hopeful that growth, clarity, expansion, and healing might also be taking place?

• How can I progressively become more discerning about the right time to intervene, question, offer support, practice silence, let go?

My overwhelming feeling at the end of the weekend was gratitude – for this unique exchange with my son, for these new soul sisters who are willing to let fresh discoveries surface and then walk with them when they return home, and for the enriching experiences that Honest Heart Journeys offers us.