Packing List for the Adventure of Marriage

"To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be."  Heidi Priebe

I’m holding a photo of my adorable parents taken on February 15, 1975. Fifty years ago today, Steve and Debby Barron eloped in Reno, NV. I love looking at this digital copy of their worn sepia-toned wedding photo. The two of them match the mood, with my dad a vision in brown: chocolate suit, mocha tie and even toffee shaded glasses. 

A foot shorter to his right is my mom in a light-yellow prairie dress covered in golden embroidered emblems, with lace cuffs and collar, and a golden ribbon tied around her waist. They’re holding hands, bookended by my mom’s beaming parents who came as their witnesses. This was the pre-elopement to their July Air Force base wedding. 

Before this little Justice-of-the-Peace ceremony, if you’d shown these two sweet, earnest, heart-eyed kids a movie of the challenges they would face, would they have stepped up to the altar? It’s hard to know. They’ve encountered some doozies – a couple that almost tore them apart.

But still, they continue to choose each other and their shared path as an adventure.

This summer, the week of the 50th anniversary of their actual wedding, we’ll celebrate my parents’ legacy of love in Colorado with their second vow renewal. They’ll recommit to each other surrounded by their four children, three children-in-law, and six beautiful grandkids. And it will be the honor of my career to stand at their altar with them as they reflect on their adventures in marriage thus far, and say yes to continuing on as travel partners through life.

As a seasoned wedding officiant, I’ve had the privilege of standing at countless altars as couples began their adventures in marriage. This is exactly how I approach marriage as we design their ceremony. As I sit with brides and grooms in Couple’s Coaching sessions, and in my own marriage, I see it as a grand adventure.

It’s also how I greet longtime couples grappling with the challenges that inevitably arise when loving and living with the same person for decades. 

I’ve learned from and been deeply humbled by the effort many long-term couples invest in growing together despite all odds. They all agree that they’ve tried on various versions of themselves as they journey through life together.

And when we get to the root of it, they all agree that marriage is one of the greatest adventures a human can choose. I am in awe of the ways that this kind of commitment can grow two people mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, if they let it.

This is why, as much as I love standing at wedding altars, vow renewal ceremonies are truly my favorite. I learn so much about the depths of love from couples who’ve faced the uncertainties of life with curiosity and a willingness to be changed by love. And who keep choosing it with all that the roller coaster of life can bring!

Talking to my parents this morning as I wished them a Happy 50th, I asked what they felt has helped carry them through all the challenges marriage has brought. They both said a deep love of God was by far the most important value they shared, and “growth in serving God.” 

My dad said trusting that “all things are possible to God” was how they made it through the toughest times. These hardships included facing down potential bankruptcy, selling their beloved home, and even separating for a little while shortly before their 25th anniversary (which they celebrated after coming back together with their first vow renewal).  

They both listed humor as the second most important value. My mom added the importance of compromise to the list and my dad agreed. 

I asked them what that means to them, and my mom explained it as finding the thing you can both agree to live with, neither always getting exactly what they want. 

Then my dad added something interesting. “Letting go of ego has been one of the most important things. You know, when you get married, you have no idea how much ego is a part for your life.” And how did he work on “letting go of ego”? 

He shared how important it is to remember that “it’s not about me, it’s about us.”

He says it took years for him to figure this out, “But once I did, marriage became a true bond between mom and I. The result was that we became great friends, and we still are. It’s a two-way street.

”Then he added forgiveness as their fourth value and mom agreed. This was the advice he shared as the officiant at my own wedding: “Forgive and smile, forgive and smile, forgive and smile.”

He had choked up as he said this when he looked at my mom in the front row during my wedding. But on this phone call, he added an element of forgiveness that I’d never really thought of before: the willingness not only to forgive your partner, but the willingness to BE forgiven. That last part – the second side of the coin of Forgiveness – strikes me deeply. 

How often has guilt about something we carry inside pushed our partner away or self-sabotaged our truest desires because we don't feel worthy of that love?

The adventures of marriage almost inevitably bring the shadow parts of ourselves to the surface – the unhealed, unresolved, hidden or shameful parts of our character, mistaken beliefs, and history. Vulnerability allows us to be seen even with these human flaws and still be worthy of love when we have the humility to let ourselves be forgiven. 

And that kind of love can transform a person, and a marriage.

I shared with my parents the one thing I had witnessed that hadn’t made either of their lists: affection. My whole childhood, no matter how hard their relationship appeared, I remember two things – hearing their laughter, and watching them reach for each other. 

They’re almost always holding hands, and if they’re within range of each other, they are connected in some way, a hand to the back or shoulder, or on a knee, or snuggled up on the couch watching TV with their feet touching. I just thought this was how every couple functioned until I married a partner who is very loving and humorous, but not physically inclined toward affection. That’s when I realized how unique this may be.

“We didn’t think about that one, but you’re right,” my mom responded. “Affection is very important to us. They both agreed this should be the fifth value on their list.

So, here is my parents' packing list in quick review:

1. Love of God
2. Humor
3. Compromise
4. Forgiveness
5. Affection

Talk about a strong list for the journey! Your list may look different. But having a packing list for any adventure – especially an expedition as rigorous and rewarding as the Marriage – is recommended, especially an expedition as rigorous as the adventure of Marriage.

This collection of values creates a sort of “Marriage Mission Statement”. It’s an exercise I take all my Couple's Coaching clients through, whether they are getting married or coming to me well into their marriage as Couples Coaching clients. 

Vows are a very beautiful thing that we mean with all our hearts on our wedding day. But most married couples will break their vows in some way (especially if they promise to “always make you happy”!). 

Having a Marriage Mission Statement prepares a stable foundation upon which you can build your marriage. Regardless of the external pressures of life, if you’re able to return to the 3-5 values that make your relationship work, then you can face nearly anything as a team. (I’ve included this exercise at the bottom of the blog.)

In a later scene of the movie, “Shall We Dance?” (the American version with Susan Sarandon and Richard Gere), a woman shares why she feels people get married. The private detective she hires to spy on her husband, who she thinks is having an affair, says he believes people get married because of passion.

But she quickly says, “No… We need a witness to our lives.” 

After watching my parents navigate the mountains and valleys of their marriage, with all the different versions of themselves they’ve encountered on the long journey, I couldn’t agree with her more. With such a strong compass (along with a clear sense of their "true north") to guide them, they just keep adventuring higher and higher together.

Here’s to the long journey of marriage and all the character building, strength training, majestic vistas, life-affirming gifts - and even the unexpected "detours - it brings along the way. Having a clear packing list can make all the difference for staying on a loving path as you climb your mountain together!

Create Your Own Mission Statement

Your "Marriage Mission Statement" is a single statement of consensus that you create together. It defines what your marriage means to you. Here are some helpful questions for designing your statement:

• What is important about your relationship to you?
• What makes it work more than anything else?
• What are the 3-5 key values that have helped bring you this far in your love story? What qualities do the two of you practice that keep you on the same page (e.g. open communication, tenderness, listening, humor, affection, shared activities, etc.)?
• What makes your love story work? How do you remember in hard times that you're on the same team?

* Feel free to tie your statement to a metaphor if you have a shared activity you love (like sailing, gardening, rock climbing, hiking, skiing, etc.) - something that anchors your statement for you.

Also check out this interview with Heather: Honest Heart Podcast Episode 17: "THE ADVENTURE OF MARRIAGE"